


Worst. Minion. Ever.

by Quarra



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Happy Ending, Humor, Inept Villain, Kidnapping, Light Angst, M/M, Other, Smart Hired Thug, Swearing, With a side of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 14:06:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8893549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quarra/pseuds/Quarra
Summary: He loomed well.He also clearly recognized Bucky. His eyebrows went up and his jaw dropped a little, at which point he turned to give a look to Science Asshole that pretty clearly said, Are you fucking kidding me. Bucky smirked knowingly at him. orWhere Bucky gets kidnapped and ends up spending the afternoon with a long suffering minion of Evil Science.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is in part because I really needed something fluffy and happy. It's also because I've been trying *very* hard to get back into writing but life has been too busy kicking my ass. 
> 
> A pretty huge part of this is because I was thinking of a good friend of mine who died a couple years ago. He was one of the scariest looking guys I have ever met and was actually sweet and smart and kind. He left behind his wife and three kids, the youngest of which was just a couple months old when he passed. With the holidays around, I guess I just missed my friend.
> 
> This is for you man.

Bucky woke up to pitch blackness and a pounding headache. He took stock of his situation. He was seated in a chair, his arms and legs were restrained, and his head was covered in a thick black hood. A quick tug proved that the restraints on his arms were formidable, even for his enhanced strength. He was beaten all over, his ribs were broken, and he likely had a concussion. He also felt like he had been electrocuted; he had that burnt, tingly feeling all over that he knew far too well.

_What the fuck happened?_

Bucky dragged his mind back to the last thing he could remember. Right. There was a mission with the Avengers. Steve was debriefing the team and working clean up. Bucky had gotten injured (ah, right, that’s where the beating, ribs, and concussion came from) and had skipped out of medical as soon as he could. He was headed home to his and Steve’s Brooklyn apartment when some random guy on the street tased him (ah, yes, that’s where the electrocuted feeling came from). 

Now he was stuck in a chair ready for what he assumed had to be interrogation.

Steve was gonna be _pissed_.

Hell, _Bucky_ was kinda pissed. He was the Winter fucking Soldier and he got taken out by a guy with a fucking Walmart taser? Granted, he was pretty injured at the time and maybe not really paying attention, but _come on_. He was never gonna hear the end of this.

That’s about the time he realized that there were a couple of guys arguing outside the room he was sitting in. _Enhanced hearing for the win,_ he thought with a smirk.

“…just fucking _kidnap_ someone off the street? What the fuck, man!” Guy A said. Buck dubbed him Sensible Guy in his head while he quietly tried to work his way out of the restraints; a tricky prospect since they completely covered his hands and forearms.

“Be silent, Minion…”

“ _Minion_?” Sensible Guy sounded offended.

“…this is a great boon to my cause and will help further my studies in leaps and bounds! Once I have discovered the inner workings of the subject’s cybernetic appendage, then what’s left can be ransomed back to his sad little friends…” 

Bucky dubbed this guy Science Asshole in his head.

“Wait, cybernetic appendage?” Sensible Guy sounded even more concerned.

“…and then, _then_ people will learn to respect me! My name will be feared and remembered and I will get the appreciation I _deserve_!” Sensible Guy sighed. Bucky could almost hear him roll his eyes. “Now do the job you were paid for and _be the hired muscle_. Simple though you are, you have your uses. Now come be of use!”

“Sir, yes, sir.” Bucky was pretty sure that Science Asshole didn’t catch the sarcasm in that response.

A door opened, footsteps came in, and the hood was ripped off of Bucky’s head.

The man that stood in front of him with the hood in hand had to be Science Asshole. He looked like a cross between Dr. Brown from _Back to the Future_ and a 70’s straight-to-video exercise routine extra; crazy hair, unfinished looking robotic gadgets precariously hanging off random places, and a truly hideous mauve tracksuit. The man had clearly ditched the beige rain jacket that Bucky vaguely remembered him wearing on the street.

Jesus, no wonder Bucky got surprised by this guy. No one in their right mind would think that this idiot was threatening. 

The lumbering giant of a man behind Science Asshole had to be Sensible Guy. If Bucky hadn’t spent the better part of a century being an assassin, he might have considered this guy threatening on looks alone. It wasn’t just size (though he was huge). His face was harsh, with tiny eyes, a nose that had clearly been broken a few times, and boxer’s ears. Long, surprisingly luscious, black curls poked out the back of a tight navy knit hat. Bucky took a moment to appreciate the man’s resting looming presence.

He loomed well.

He also clearly recognized Bucky. His eyebrows went up and his jaw dropped a little, at which point he turned to give a look to Science Asshole that pretty clearly said, _Are you fucking kidding me_. 

Bucky smirked knowingly at him.

“How. Just. How.” Sensible Guy looked like he kind of wanted to shoot himself. Science Asshole radiated smugness. 

“Like every other fool out there, he underestimated my innate greatness. When I recognized him on the street I knew that my Lightning Ray Device would be able to incapacitate him. Note the restraints; also of my own design.” He honest to fucking God rubbed his hands together. “Oh the things I’ll be able to learn from studying this one.”

Sensible Guy blinked hard a couple of times.

“Right. Sure. Whelp, Boss, it’s time to let me do what you hired me to do.”

“Wait, what?”

“Now go on out of here and let me soften him up for you. You want him pliable for when you start looking at his arm, right?”

“Um. Yes. I suppose.”

“Well then, I’m your guy. I’ll work him over real good so he won’t be able to do nothin’ but sit and take whatever wacky experiment you’ve got cooked up.”

“And answer questions! He must be able to answer questions about his enhancements!”

“Absolutely. I won’t mess up his teeth or nothin’. Now go ahead and let me work. No doubt you’ll want a few minutes to gather up your equipment anyways.”

“Right. Right! Carry on, Minion! I have important matters to attend.” 

Science Asshole swooped out of the room. Sensible Guy just pursed his lips and stared at the door for a minute.

He looked at Bucky. Bucky raised his eyebrows. Sensible Guy pulled up a chair and sat in front of Bucky.

“That guy is a complete tool. Look, man, I’m real fucking sorry that idiot dragged you here.” He actually did look apologetic.

“You could let me go.” Bucky rattled his arm restraints meaningfully. 

“Yeah. I could. But then you’ll probably kick my ass. I mean, realistically, I’m a fair hand in a fight but I’m not _former assassin and Avenger_ level good. Just being honest here.”

Bucky nodded his head in acknowledgement. 

“You could let me go and I’d just be on my way. No hard feelings.”

Now Sensible Guy looked really apologetic.

“If I do that then that douchecanoe will know I let you go and then I’m out of a job. He might be a total fucking idiot but even he would figure that one out. Sorry.” 

“So.”

“So.”

“So you gonna ‘work me over’?”

Sensible Guy snorted.

“Nah. I just needed a reason to get the power tripping reject out of the room. He’ll be stuck digging through his piles of papers for hours, probably. Trying to come up with the perfect experiment, I bet. I’m pretty sure you’re Avenger buddies will be here to bail you out long before he’s done. I figure we’ll just sit here and hang out in the mean time and if the Boss comes back in we can just pretend I’ve been working you over. Sound good?” Sensible Guy gave Bucky a small hopeful smile.

“Won’t get any complaints from me.” Bucky grinned at him.

The silence hung in the air for a few minutes.

“I’ve got to say, this is the weirdest kidnapping I’ve ever been party to,” Bucky stated ruefully.

“Yeah? But, the shit you’ve seen, man! This can’t be the weirdest,” Sensible Guy laughed.

“It ranks up there, let me tell you.”

Sensible guy looked him over. 

“You doin’ okay there? No bleeding out or anything? That jackoff might be paying me, but no way am I letting a national fucking icon and a war hero die in front of me.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows in surprise. 

“Nah, I’m alright. Most of this is from a fight earlier. Already got patched up for it.”

“Alright.” Sensible Guy nodded. “Hey, man, you cold? You must be cold. The Raving Fool keeps this place pretty damn cold. Doesn’t like to pay for extra heating, I guess. Here.” Sensible Guy took off his coat and draped it over Bucky’s shoulders. “I spend most of my days workin’ in the meat department at a grocer. I’m pretty used to the cold.”

Bucky hadn’t even realized it was cold; it was just one of the many things that he had a hard time remembering to notice post-Hydra. Re-learning to recognize hunger and pain were higher on the priority list for readjusting to an independent life. The long sleeve black flannel he had worn on his way home seemed perfectly adequate for the chilly fall air.

But now that it was on him, Sensible Guy’s wool pea coat was nice and warm.

“You really are bad at this whole hired thug thing aren’t you?”

Sensible Guy just laughed and shrugged.

Science Asshole took that opportunity to bust back into the room hauling with him a faintly worrying looking mechanical construct seemingly created entirely of needles. He stopped cold at the scene in front of him; both Bucky and Sensible Guy calmly sitting down, Bucky wearing Sensible Guy’s coat.

“What’s going on here! Why is he wearing your coat?” Science Asshole demanded.

Sensible Guy cast a worried glance at Bucky.

“Uh. Choking. I’ve been choking him with my coat over his head. You know, cutting off the air. It’s a, uh, torture method used by the mob. The Irish mob. All the time.” 

Bucky gave a sad weak little cough. It was all he could do to stop from laughing until he passed out.

“I see.” Science Asshole looked suitably impressed. He set his needle construct on a table near the wall. “Well. Carry on. But hurry it up. The subject still looks rebellious and I’m nearly done compiling all the equipment I’ll need to start the vivisection.” Then he stormed out.

Bucky clamped down on the shudder crawling up his spine. Science Asshole was really starting to creep into being a real problem in Bucky’s mind. A problem that might need to be solved permanently. He could probably get Natasha and Clint to help. They were always up for a little covert fun.

“What the hell are you doing working for this guy anyways?” Bucky asked, genuinely curious.

“I really needed the money.” Sensible Guy’s face crumpled with worry. “My little girl, Gracie, she gets real sick every winter. She was born early and her lungs have never really worked right. Her mom died during labor and since then it’s just been us. I do my best, I really do, but. Well. I’m not a smart guy. Barely got my GED. And there’s only so many shifts I can pick up from the grocer, you know?” He shoulders slumped. “Then this idiot comes out of nowhere and offers me all this money to help him steal some random tech crap. I figured, a little missing equipment won’t hurt anyone, and this guy isn’t exactly Dr. Doom, so why not? If I could just get a little bit of extra money before it really gets cold out, maybe I could get ahead of the flu this year. Stock up some meds. Maybe buy Gracie a little heater for her room.”

Sensible Guy stared at the floor with his hands wound tight together.

Bucky remembered winters like that, when it was all he could do to keep Steve alive one more season. He remembered how the cold seeped into the bones and into the lungs and how the scariest sound in the world was a ragged wet cough. 

“Steve was like that. Back before the war. I used to work double shifts down at the docks just to try and keep food on the table. You wouldn’t know it now, but he was such a skinny little thing. He always was big on the inside, though. The serum just made the outside match,” Bucky recalled fondly. 

“Yeah?” Sensible Guy raised his eyebrows. Bucky huffed a laugh.

“Yeah. God, he was a terror. Full of righteous fury, all the time, and him only ninety pounds soaking wet. I can’t tell you how many back alley fights I picked him out of. All for a good cause, mind you. Walkin’ dames home at night, stopping kids from getting bullied, standing up for the black folks and fairies- err, gays that lived in the slums where we were at. ‘People got a right to live however they want to, Buck,’ he used to say.” Bucky smiled fondly.

“So he really is everything he’s made out to be, huh.” Sensible Guy smiled back at him. “Good. The guy deserves to be Captain America, then. And good thing he had you to pull him outta all those fights.”

“Yeah, then he got bigger and just found bigger people to fight. I’m still tryin’ to catch up!” Bucky and Sensible Guy shared a chuckle.

After a few minutes had passed Sensible Guy sniffed, rubbed his face, and looked at Bucky. 

“So. Do you have a tracker on your or something? Maybe something we could send out as a distress call to get your buddies here a little faster? I’m really not liking the way things are moving with Doctor Jackass there.”

Bucky nodded and directed him to lift one of the plates on his metal arm. Once the distress tracker there had been activated they both sat and stared at each other a bit awkwardly. 

“What are you going to do once the Avengers get here?” Bucky asked.

“I was thinking I might light some of the idiot’s stuff on fire to distract folks and head out of here before I get my ass handed to me.” Sensible Guy shrugged. Bucky nodded.

“Say, do you want to see some pictures of Gracie?” Sensible Guy asked almost tentatively. 

“Yeah, bring ‘em on.” 

Sensible Guy’s face lit up, his eyes squinted and cheeks rosy. He shuffled his chair over to Bucky’s side and whipped out his phone to assault Bucky with many _many_ pictures of a tiny olive skinned girl with dark eyes, a breathing tube coming out of her nose, and a huge smile.

Several hundred pictures later, Science Asshole lumbered into the room buried under a small mountain of junk robotics. Sensible Guy quietly put away his phone while Science Asshole was distracted. 

Once all the crap had been properly situated, Science Asshole stood in front of Bucky with whatever-the-fuck homemade device he used to tase Bucky in the first place pointed menacingly at him. 

“Excellent. Everything has been prepared. I see you have worked your talents upon the subject well; he looks properly stunned into submission. I did not expect him to look quite so glazed over. Well done, Minion! Now! Once I knock him out again, put him on this table here and we can start the procedure.”

Sensible Guy glanced back and forth between Bucky and Science Asshole, his lips pursed. 

“Look! Captain America!” Sensible Guy’s voice boomed in the room.

“Wha-?”

Science Asshole’s body dropped like a rock, with Sensible Guy behind him holding a blackjack. He looked up at Bucky and smiled a little sheepishly.

“Yeah, I wasn’t gonna let that happen.”

It was the short work of a few moments to free Bucky from his restraints and put them on Science Asshole instead.

“So. Um. I’m gonna take off here. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t send your friends after me.” Sensible Guy rubbed the back of his head. Bucky handed him back his coat.

“How would I do that, I don’t even know your name.” Bucky smirked and raised an eyebrow.

“Oh don’t give me that, man,” Sensible Guy laughed. “You’re friends with Tony Stark. One word to him and he’ll have my social security number and bank account tally by the end of the day. Dude probably has robots watching the city all over the place, you know? I’ll trust your word if you say no one will come for me.” 

Bucky winced ruefully and said, “It’s the least I can do, after all this. Oh my God, Steve is going to be such a _pain in the ass_ about this.”

Sensible Guy just smiled. Then he gave him a measured look and stuck out his hand.

“My name is Gabe, and it’s been a real honor to meet you Sergeant Barnes.”

“Bucky is fine, and it’s been my pleasure. Thanks for the assist.”

Steve showed up shortly after Gabe left, took one look around Science Asshole’s ‘lair’, and just said, “Really?” The rest of the Avengers just snickered.

Bucky sighed.

Several hours later Bucky and Steve sat curled up together on their couch. Bucky couldn’t stop thinking of that little girl’s big smile and the aching fear of a rattling cough. 

“Hey, Stevie. Do you think if I gave Stark or Jarvis some basic information about someone, they could find him?”

“Mmmf? Why? I thought you said you told that guy you wouldn’t send anyone after him?”

Bucky chewed on his lip.

“Yeah. But I bet Pepper’s got room for another guy in the tower’s security team. A job like that’s got to have pretty great pay and benefits. She’s always looking for good people, and I think I might happen to know a good guy who could use a better job.”

A slow smile spread across Steve’s face.

“Yeah. Yeah, I bet we could make that happen.”

**Author's Note:**

> Edited to fix errors and update tags.


End file.
